Angry woman looking at cellphone

The three things not to do following a break up.

The three things not to do following a break up.

At Vancouver Hypnotherapy we work with people going through difficult divorces all the time. Here’s some great advice following years of helping people move comfortably through the end of their marriage. Hypnotherapy is a great tool to help manage the pain of the end of a relationship, and to keep yourself from making any of these mistakes.

  1. Drunk Texting.

    I have three children. Very early on I explained to them that there are three things that are good to remember in life – Alcohol does not qualify as a major food group, Never date a musician, and Don’t buy magic, sell it. Following a night of drinking, reaching for your phone with an alcohol lubricated thumb and texting an ex about how you still love them and it was all a big misunderstanding would qualify as one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make. It would be even more so if they happen to be a musician, but you get the point. The following morning when you wake up, and see seventeen missed calls from your ex, and a text explaining that they are on a plane home and will be at the airport in an hour you are going to regret that text.

Most things about alcohol are bad, but alcohol and cell phones are a particularly disastrous combination. If you have to get drunk, turn off the phone. Just don’t go anywhere near the text messaging and most of all, do not think for an instant of messaging an ex unless you are stone cold sober.

If it helps, write the three main reasons you broke up, tape them to the screen of the phone before you go out, and leave them there until you sober up the next day. Then, to help clear the hangover, go down to the tattoo studio and get them tattooed to your arm, so you know not to make the same mistakes again.

  1. Revenge Dating.

    Now, and I know this will come as a surprise to some men, but dating your ex’s best friend is not something that will either win them back, impress your ex or serve you well. In fact, (and here’s a lesson all men should be aware of) women do something alien to men, that few men seem to realise. They talk to each other. There’s a chance that when you make that move, you’re going to find that she’s one step ahead of you and your ex’s BFF shuts you down like a rat having it’s head cut off in a rat trap.

After the relationship is done, a vacuous silence is the best thing for any ex to hear. You don’t need to give them a clue about who or what you are doing. Keep in mind that the first few relationships following a marriage are really just testing your systems, so they are not really likely to go well anyway. You certainly don’t want your ex hearing all about them. Humiliation is not a sauce you need to add to your misery at the end of marriage. On a more serious note, it’s also not fair if you have children. For them to see the train wreck of post marriage relationships up close is uncomfortable at the best of times. If it includes ‘Mummy’s best friend, Barbie’ it’s not going to go well.

  1. Stalking.

    It’s practically a national pass time in the modern world. Checking out your ex’s profile to see what looser she’s dating is something many people do. And don’t think you’re the only one. They will certainly check yours out too. There’s no harm at all putting up some striking images of you with a girl with a fully developed personality, who happens to be 20 years your junior, but keep in mind that’s not likely to placate her when it comes to negotiating a settlement. I once had a client who hacked his ex’s email, only to find 217 messages to another man, complete with photographs of what can only be described as an intimate nature. Worse than that, they were before his break up, and he was the one caught having an affair and ‘outed’ in front of his two teenage daughters. A painful experience for anyone.

When you start checking out an ex online or otherwise, you are handing them all the power. You are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain. If you look, chances are you will find something you don’t want to. If it’s done, it’s done. Leave it at that. Twisting the knife in your own wound is only going to make it a lot worse. 217 times worse to be exact.

Sometimes silence is golden. Things will only get better if you leave them alone and allow the dust to settle. Going back and rehashing the painful past will only create a painful future. With luck you’ll both move on having learned something. What’s done really is done.





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